I recently (really recently, it prompted to start writing this less than an hour afterwards) watched a video of a suicide, it happened live in Facebook and I presumed deleted, but not before being re-uploaded to several other places on the internet. The video starts with him talking to the camera and soon his telephone starts to storm with phone calls, at which moment he starts to talk about how none of these people really cared and used to ignore him before, after a while, he comments about how there’s even people that he doesn’t know calling now, he attend to two of them, shoot himself in the head and a few seconds later the police arrives while his pet, scared by the shotgun, go see what’s happening in the room. His cellphone still playing notifications and calls while his blood audibly drips in the ground.
This videos really stands out for me, it is not the gore that gets me (If you use the internet significantly you’ve been exposed to plenty of that already), but the little dialog a bit before that. Feelings are truly something difficult to explain or rationalize, it’s hard to blame the people only calling now, but who could blame him for being annoyed at them? I’ve seen a lot of gore before, but I never felt as strong as in this one. I wonder about the moment he killed himself, if he attended these two calls to distract his brain so the most primal instinct (survival) could be overcome, or if it was because he listened to the cops invading his home and knew it was now or never. But the only real thing I can be sure of, is that now he is dead. Everything he was, everything he could be, it’s over. Suicide is just one of these things where there are no one to blame.
Comments (not only in the comment section, but there too), as to expected in every suicide case, were truly disgusting. Calling him a coward and a pussy as if they could even sacrifice their own nail, but think that suicide is the easy route… Truly a privilege I could only dream of, although I don’t know if I could ever forgive myself for such ignorance, cruelty and cowardice. But such is the human being, ignorance might be a bliss, but I wish the blessed would just just the fuck up sometimes.
While thinking about it, I felt the urge to listen to this song, it brings some comfort, I hope it brings to you too:
Good luck.